They Never DO Give You Enough Space on the Plane...

I just had to share this picture that I came across the other day... mostly because its ridiculously true. Maybe back in the day, when the economy wasn't in shambles and teenagers didn't see sharing passwords as a form of intimacy (at least it's better than sexting? question mark?), consulting was a glamorous job. Nowadays, with all of the cuts and a lot of "efficiency analysis" (aka cost cutting, aka deciding what "fat" can be trimmed, aka making hard decisions about people's livelihoods-- you know, no big deal), consulting is really more of me crammed into a middle seat cranking on slides than the glamorous lifestyle that people would like to think... but that didn't stop them from making a show about it. House of Lies is quite literally a show where the entire goal is to make my life seem as ridiculous as possible. In the linked article from Fast Company, an ex-consultant sits with a bunch of writers and hilarity ensues. My favorite out-takes?

"So Marty," one of the writers began. "How much sex did you have...in your office?" I revealed the horrible truth: none. "None?!" "Consultants eat badly and often," I said. "We're not an attractive bunch. And it would have been a career-limiting move." "A what?" We were off to an interesting start.

...for all of its extravagance, the show nails consulting on an existential level. It's a brutal, nomadic, exhausting, morally dubious profession glued together with false intimacy and double talk. People say things like "We'll leverage these strong-form learnings into an impactful deliverable going forward," rather than "We'll use this info in a document." Consulting burrows into your psyche. It harms your ability to be straightforward with anyone.

Now this second bit, for all of its hilarity, is unfortunately true. Across the board in my super-scientific, very organized and completely legit casual survey, my friends all agree-- consulting makes you into kind of a robot. There are some pros and cons. Pros: You are a master organizer, incredibly efficient with your time, and you get a lot more done in your average day than a normal person. You can be an overachiever. Cons: You're constantly tired, you begin to forget how to empathize and you kind of bitterly resent everyone who has a normal 9-5. Both pro and con: You rack up points like a mother and can use it to treat yourself or the people you care about (you're welcome mom).

So, to shed some light on my life which has quite literally become a farce, I want to share some knowledge that might help others in life that I've picked up in consulting.

• Always sign up for frequent customer programs. Even if its one trip a year, it'll add up
• Even if it kills you, try to pick a few companies you like and stick with em-- or pick ones that are parts of a larger conglomeration (like the One World Alliance for flying)
• When checking into hotels, the earlier you check in to your allotted check in time, the more likely you are to get an upgrade
• If you're trying to make status, almost all frequent customer programs have some sort of "challenge"-- for hotels its usually staying X nights in X amount of time, for flights its booking X segments/miles in a set period of time. If you know you'll be traveling relatively frequently in a short period of time, this is a good way to get status fast. Some airlines also let friends who already have status "sponsor" other friends-- so ask around
• Status is not the end all, be all of your life, but it is helpful-- not for the upgrades but because you wanna carry your bag on and not wait the extra 20 minutes for a checked bag
• Never convert points between programs if you don't have to. If you HAVE to, conversion from hotels to airlines is almost always a better conversion rate than vice versa
• Consider bartering points through a program like points.com if you have a couple extra thousand you don't want
• Moisturizer on the plane for girls, Airborne for everyone. If you get sick, Zi-Cam every 3 hours and Airborne every 4
• If you're still scared of getting sick, salt water on a q-tip and then rimming your nostrils at the end of the night before bed (I know, kind of gross) does provide some preventative qualities
• If your ears plug on the plane and won't stop, you can try the "plug your nose and blow" trick, OR a really hot steamy shower usually does the trick
• If you're sick and you HAVE to fly, get ready for serious pain due to the pressure. Nyquil is a good way to attempt to sleep through the whole mess
• If you get booked on a middle seat, checking available seats again once arriving to the airport is worth it because sometimes last minute cancellations open aisle or window seats
• Southwest offers a 24 cancellation policy, if you cancel within 24 hours of an un-taken flight, you can get a refund or credit for your next flight
• United has quite possibly some of the worst customer service (American is even better), Delta has the best, but you'll have to pay for it
• Hilton has the worst conversion for free nights from points, Starwood/Marriott are probably the best two for hotel stays
• If you get traveler's flu for long trips, ginger ale and bread helps...sparingly
• If you get jet lag, and you arrive in the daytime, keep your space as dim as possible until after noon local time. If you arrive in the night time, keep your blinds open while sleeping so the sun comes in at a natural time. Although you may be tempted to drink a ton of caffeine, do so sparingly

And finally, for all of you who may be friends with some of us consultants, you may find we slip into consulting lingo when nervous, anxious or tired. Here's some quick translations of commonly used phrases:

• "Leverage" = "steal"
• "Socialize" = "share in kind of a dictator-ly way"
• "Moving forward" or "for future planning" = "Let's do things differently next time because you really messed it up this time"
• "So what I'm hearing is..." = "I can't really understand/believe what I'm hearing, so I want to make sure I have this clear before I get emotional or frustrated with you"
• "Knowledge Transfer" = "Tell me what to do" or sometimes can mean "Let me tell you what to do"
• "I think there could be some opportunities here" = "This kind of sucks"
• "I feel as though...." = "I am uncomfortable emoting right now, but I'm going to try in sort of a third party way"
• "Best practices", "industry standards", "critical learnings" = "stuff people told me that I accept as a good way of doing things"
• "Currently, the status of the deliverable is red and the initiative has been delayed due to challenges that arose during the course of implementation" = "This may have been really poor planning"

To those of you who put up with us, I salute you! Keep fighting the good fight. One of these days, we promise to make it up to you.