If I Was a Comedienne (Part 17)

The Tender Knob

So I'm relatively new to San Francisco, and everybody is excited all the time... "Ahhh! What a great city to live in! It must be great!" and it's pretty good. I have to say that the city has treated me pretty well so far.

When I first moved here, my "relocation coach" took me around to see a bunch of different apartments and... as someone who has grown up for a large part in the Bay Area, I was really surprised at how much renaming has happened in the city. So we went to all the normal places, like the mission and the marina and we looked at Noe Valley and all those good places. But then we finally got to my apartment that I live in now, which is on Van Ness. But it's in this weird place on Van Ness-- it's not quite the Hayes Valley, it's not quite Civic Center, not quite in the Tenderloin....and my realtor has the balls to tell me that I live in "The TenderNob". I mean, I don't know much about the city I suppose-- it's been awhile since I last lived here, but I'm 125% sure that she just made that up. It's like a bunch of realtors were sitting around a table one day and asked themselves, "How can we make the Tenderloin a less scary place to live? I know... let's add "Nob" on the end of it".

Don't get me wrong, I have no problems with living in the Tenderloin, I mean, my sister lived here when she first moved out too. But to be honest, The TenderNob sounds strangely sexual. I mean, it's called The. Tender. Nob. Run that through your brain for a second. Don't overthink it, but just take a second to enjoy it. Let it roll off your tongue. Not literally. But you know.

San Francisco Neverland

I read a great article today on the inter webs about how San Francisco is slowly shifting away from being the Neverland that people always think about when they think about Silicon Valley. It was written from the perspective of an artist hear in the city, but I was thinking the whole time-- Hey this isn't only for artists, bro. The struggle is real and it's hitting everyone. I might be that tech parasite that everyone's talking about, but that doesn't mean our lives are easy.

Granted, I've only been here for a little bit. A hot second in the grand scheme of life, but in San Francisco time, I'm practically a lifer. There are two very divided camps about San Francisco as a city, and tenure is only one of the hotly debated topics that are shunted around like sad beach balls during pretty much every party I go to. There's (generally) two camps. Pro-SF and "People Waiting to Move Away" aka "Disgusted Former SF Folks". Digusted Formers also sometimes take a mutation to the "Here Only for a Nobler Cause" folks. Those guys are here only because they want to teach english to starving children for a couple years before they move back to [fill in blank of other big city here] to continue working as an executive director at a non-profit that they founded with a friend in college. Every now and then you get a "I'm Here for My Fam" (I kind of count myself in that bucket), but mostly the first two. More generally I suppose you could just lump them into "optimists" and "pessimists", but these labels are more fun. So, for a roll up of the topics that keep coming up again and again, let's get started:

1. Cost of Rent: Yeah. It's really f-ing expensive. That should be the title of my memoir from my times in San Francisco.
1. Pro-SF: That's just the cost of living here! But look at the great things that SF has to offer. The culture! The parks! The sunshine! Where else can you brew your own beer, have a farm to table meal and then go to a museum for their new exhibit on the seduction prints of Japan in one day?! 
2. DFSFF: It's too expensive. And it's all those stupid tech companies' fault. If they didn't inflate the average income so much in this geographic area, we wouldn't have to deal with it.
3. My Take: Shit is just expensive yo. It's what you get when you combine basic economics + small geographic area (limited supply) + great weather + more jobs in the area. Plus, California, especially northern California, is just generally a nice place to live. It sucks, but it's not the employee's fault. We just want to have jobs.
2. The Traffic: Especially if you commute to the south bay for work. This is your life. This would be the subtitle, so I could mimic Dr. Strangelove. My memoir, for the record, is titled (so far): "Cost of Rent: Yeah. It's really f-ing expensive OR "The Traffic: This is mein kampf". Though I don't know why I decided to go german with that last part.
1. Pro-SF: It will get better- we just need to make better transportation! We have a growing population so it makes sense.
2. DFSFF: Again, totally the fault of all these damn tech companies. Without them, we wouldn't be pumping all these cars on the road-- all friggin' hipsters driving their racing-striped mini cooper from SF to Cupertino every day. Have you SEEN the 280 recently?!
3. My Take: This one is probably mostly to the fault of the tech companies. There are a lot of people (especially younger people) who are moving to the bay area for jobs, but don't want to live in the burbs. So we commute. Usually we use buses, but some of us don't. Sorry about it.
3. Adults Acting Like Kids: or, Never never land syndrome. And not the creepy Michael Jackson kind.
1. Pro-SF: That's the magic of SF! You have the freedom and the youthful energy to pursue those things that you WANT and no one is going to tell you that you CAN'T do it or that your ideas are silly. We live and think out of the box here! There are no lines to color out of!
2. DFSFF: But seriously. Living with roommates when you're in your 30s? And what about the dating scene? No one is ready to settle down, everyone just keeps dating....forever. In a flaky way.
3. My Take: Boo on living with roommates (though seriously that's the only way to afford anything decent). I live in the tenderloin because I just couldn't do it for my first year here. I needed my space. Dating is actually good out here because there's so many good options. But it's true, if you're looking to settle down, it's hard to find someone on the same wavelength as you.

There's many more, but I wanted to throw out those three to begin with. Each of those three could be broken down into tirades all on their own, but you have to start somewhere. Coming back home has been a little of a mixed bag, but I'm back. And writing again, so I'm sure we'll see more of each other again in the future :)