So I've been riding high in my "I am Woman hear me roar" saddle recently. I went to a fantastic Forte Foundation conference in New York a few weeks ago (put on for women who are interested in Financial Services-- i-bankers galore!), I'm working in my firm on a "New Mom's Program", to bring in young mothers and (hopefully) provide a little guidance on starting a career, becoming a professional and generally just giving a little girl-to-girl advice, and I've been meeting (and being inspired by/ re-inspired by) a lot of the great women in my industry and my future b-school.
So, when I read the article by Slaughter "Why Women Still Can't Have It All" , I took it with a grain of salt. In the article, for those who haven't gotten to read it (it's fairly long and we're all busy, so I get it) it's basically a reflection on this woman's life. A very successful woman in politics, she begins to reflect on how, for a very long time now, women have been indoctrinated into this mentality that you can have it all-- that you can balance a family and work and an active social life, that you can be a successful, sought-after employee while simultaneously be a fantastic mother/spouse/significant other....and don't forget to be thin and beautiful too. In her article, Slaughter points to many of the discussions that have currently popped up in this venue, most notably Sheryl Sandberg's "Don't Lean Back" tough-love talk she gave at TED and then again at Barnard commencement. Sheryl's points were that not enough women were making it in the world today-- a disproportionate number if you look at education rates. She attributed it to women "leaving before they left"-- planning for children they didn't have, looking to please a husband when they didn't have a boyfriend. Slaughter's article boiled Sheryl's talk down to "What's wrong with us?! If you want it bad enough, reach out and take it" type mentality.
Slaughter's article is provoking, if nothing else. She basically argues that it's not that simple. You CAN have it all, but there are certain prices to pay. Women are going to continue to drop out of the race so long as we live in a culture that makes us choose between family and work. Particularly those with children (she main argument seems to be how difficult it is for women with children), it's a non-starter-- the older the children get, the more women realize how much they're missing and the more difficult it is to justify what you do for what you're missing. It makes sense.
Then I read this article by HBS grad, "Can Women Have It All? Remarkable Women Weigh In...", Sonia Kapadia. Like me, she reads the article and decides to do a little real-time sleuthing. She emails women that she considers to be very successful- HBS and MIT grads abound, most of them (it sounds like) with children and all of them holding high powered jobs in what can only be assumed to be Fortune 500 by their anonymous titles ("Senior Executive at Beauty Corporation"). She expects that most of them will write back, "Yes-- I can and do have it all...!", but unfortunately the responses she gets are more along the lines of "I don't think women can have it all... it may be impossible". These women cite the same things-- missing out on their children's lives, the incompatibility of basic scheduling (work day vs. school day) and the tediousness of traveling (for conferences, on the weekend, during school plays, etc.) all has its tolls. Some of the women she reached out to were either thinking of leaving the workforce to care for children or were already out.
I believe all of these points of view are true. But I'm angry because all arguments seem to focus on children, so what about the young 20-somethings that are still trying to figure it out? If it's children that are holding women back, does that imply that 20-somethings should be able to grab life by the horns, step on the gas and try to get as far ahead while they still can? From experience, let me fall back on the tried-and-true consultant answer. It depends.
Let's just use me as an example of a 20-something. You're consulting. You're not home much. When you ARE home, you're a stressed out mess. Add anything else-- buying a condo, starting business school, etc.-- and you get a lot of nights where you can't sleep for all the anxiety and worrying that you have. You get to know your bedroom ceiling really well. I consider myself fairly successful in my career thus far. My peers respect me, my managers like to work with me, I have been considered a top performer for several years now. Has it come at a cost? Yes. And this is a cost that you don't just pay in stress units or pounds (I stress eat, okay? Leave me alone.) but in emotional damage too. So, this won't be a "toolkit for how to survive" because even with the following you might not. This is more of a "If you want a shot in hell at surviving...these things are critical".
1. Be comfortable with who you are. Seems self explanatory. Part of this is knowing who you are, which is hard enough. But you have to be okay with it. Me? I know I am anal retentive. I expect a lot out of people, but I also expect a lot out of myself. I don't like tardiness, and I get really stressed out if it happens around me. I internalize emotions. I like to put everyone else first, often at the expense of myself. I am guarded around people I don't trust, and it takes awhile for me to trust people. Bottom line? I'm aggressive, but I overanalyze everything, and am incredibly sensitive if I feel that I am not pleasing everyone around me. I'm working on it.
2. Have a good partner. Ahhh yes. All women cite this one. The best decision you make they say is the one you make in choosing your life partner. And they really should be a partner. But let me point out something they don't often mention. When choosing your partner, take into account who will be the primary breadwinner. Not only are some men very sensitive about NOT being the primary, but if they AREN'T, that will deeply affect the choices you can make. The men I've been with have not been the primary, but have provided for me in other ways-- emotionally, organizationally, by providing stability, etc. In turn, you have to accept that you will not have a lot of options. You will work longer, harder, and need to worry more about security in your job because you are now essentially providing for someone else. If I had lost my job, we wouldn't be able to pay rent. In addition, be prepared to try to provide the lifestyle you think your other deserves, just know it's sometimes very expensive. However, ALSO prepare yourself in the event that it doesn't work out for relatively hurtful words-- despite all the work you've put in. One of my exes and I were talking the other day and off-handedly he sarcastically said, "Yeah, you totally weren't a complete psycho or anything while we were dating-- always stressed out of your mind. I totally didn't mind living by myself while you travelled for work every week for 4 years. You were totally normal to live with." Extremely hurtful? Yes. Kind of unnecessary? Yes. True? Also yes. Those are words I'll never forget.
3. Become good at prioritizing. And reprioritizing. And reprioritizing.... Part of this is identifying what things you need to prioritize. Then knowing in both the short term and long term what the consequences are of your prioritization. You'll need to teach yourself to think in more "web-like" (following multiple decision points until termination to define what the consequences of your choices would be) instead of linearly.
4. Be great at nothing OR be great at one thing at a time. You can't be great at all things all the time. So you make a choice. Be great at nothing and be good at a lot of things OR pick one thing to be great at and focus on one thing at a time. This is going to be purely driven by preference and style. In my experience, I've done both, and it'll depend on the situation.
Those are the only four that I've seen hold true throughout. Of course there are others "Make time for yourself", "Know when to be selfish" and blah blah blah, but let's be honest. Those are definitively on the back burner when you're trying to have it all.
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