If I Was a Comedienne (Part 17)

The Tender Knob

So I'm relatively new to San Francisco, and everybody is excited all the time... "Ahhh! What a great city to live in! It must be great!" and it's pretty good. I have to say that the city has treated me pretty well so far.

When I first moved here, my "relocation coach" took me around to see a bunch of different apartments and... as someone who has grown up for a large part in the Bay Area, I was really surprised at how much renaming has happened in the city. So we went to all the normal places, like the mission and the marina and we looked at Noe Valley and all those good places. But then we finally got to my apartment that I live in now, which is on Van Ness. But it's in this weird place on Van Ness-- it's not quite the Hayes Valley, it's not quite Civic Center, not quite in the Tenderloin....and my realtor has the balls to tell me that I live in "The TenderNob". I mean, I don't know much about the city I suppose-- it's been awhile since I last lived here, but I'm 125% sure that she just made that up. It's like a bunch of realtors were sitting around a table one day and asked themselves, "How can we make the Tenderloin a less scary place to live? I know... let's add "Nob" on the end of it".

Don't get me wrong, I have no problems with living in the Tenderloin, I mean, my sister lived here when she first moved out too. But to be honest, The TenderNob sounds strangely sexual. I mean, it's called The. Tender. Nob. Run that through your brain for a second. Don't overthink it, but just take a second to enjoy it. Let it roll off your tongue. Not literally. But you know.

Because It's Friday That's Why

Music Is Kind of a Disgrace Now

They just don't make music like they used to. I've never realized the truth to these words until recently, because I feel like we've definitely entered into a very dry spell for music. But... if you can't beat 'em, you should join 'em. So here's my celebration of songs I secretly (not so secretly) love, but are kind of a disgrace to this whole "music-making" bizness.

• Carry Out-- Justin Timberlake and Timbaland: Although it pains me to ever write anything awful about these two, especially in what should be the holy grail of booty-shakin' music, I have to say that this one is pretty bad.
• Quote that puts them on the map?"Baby, you lookin' fine, I'll have you open all night like you IHOP" and "You lookin' good (baby, butt stays heavenly) I'm pretty sure you got your own recipe, so pick it up pick it up, yeah I like you, I just can't get enough I gotta drive through. So it's me you, you me, me you, all night, have it your way, foreplay-- before I feed your appetite."

   

• T.H.E.-- Will.I.Am feat. Jennifer Lopez: T.H.E (The Hardest Ever): I love Will.I.Am, particularly his Brazilian Samba album, but this just hurts me. He also runs around in a space suit, which is... kind of weird
• Offending quote? "Will he survive? Never deceased, I don’t think I’m ever gonna rest in peace, Imma kill the game, leave the rest in pieces, Now everybody want my recipe, Tell a jealous chicken I don't know what the beef is, I'm just making money for my grankids' nieces, Imma work hard, that's my thesis, This beat is a shit, feces"

 

•  Mmm-Hmm-- Austin Mahone feat. Pitbull: Anyone who knows me knows I love Pitbull.
• Offending quote? The entire chorus *sigh*. "When I saw her, walkin' down the street, she looked so fine, I just had to speak, I asked her name, but she turned away, as she walked all I could say was... mmm mmm yeah yeah, mmm mmm yeah yeah, all i could say was, mmm mmm yeah yeah, mmm mmm yeah"

•  OMG (If I Was You)-- Far East Movement feat. Snoop Dogg: I also love the FEM, especially since their 'Round, 'Round days, but... these two amazing things (FEM with Snoop Dogg) was supposed to be awesome, and it's just more awesomely terrible pickup lines
• Offending quote? " You ain't a dime, you a silver dolla, it'd be a crime, if I didn't holla!"

• Top of the World-- The Cataracs: I was actually surprised that The Cataracts didn't make more of a splash, because they are churning out some pretty awesome dance music, but that doesn't stop them from having some awesomely bad pick up lines in their music too...
• Offending quote? "Your daddy must have been a drug dealer (why) cause you dope, you the Bonny to my Clyde, Juliet and Romeo"

•  5, 4, 3, 2, 1 (Turn Around)-- Flo Rida: I really wanted to like this one, especially since it takes place in Brazil, which holds a special place in my heart.
• Offending quote? "Gotta body like this your world, make your booty go stupid gurrl"

Top 3 Reasons Why I Think Our Society Has Reached Its Peak

 

1. We have been actively searching for the "God particle" and we also have the appropriate expectations that we are probably overhyping this whole thing
2. We actively tried to deport Justin Bieber from the US back to Canada
3. And this app is a real thing. Want to wake up to the smell and sounds of bacon without actually getting up and making bacon or having any bacon? (Also known as, want to wake up hungry forever?) No one does! But here is an app for it

Just Chicago Things

So there is this site out there called "Just Girly Things" on Tumblr (http://justgirlythings.tumblr.com/) which, does not amuse me directly, but amuses me greatly through the many spoofs that happen (What can I say? I'm bitter about love.)

So, I was inspired to do "Just Chicago Things". Here's my first attempt:

America's Mood Map

I took this awesome quiz today and it said I belonged in South Carolina, which I think means that I'm friendly and conventional. That's not a surprise. What I want to know is, what if I'm friendly/conventional and butting up against states that are "relaxed and creative"? Should I be more of a green/orange color? Do I just hate that other state because state-mood colors don't mix?

If I'm friendly and conventional, I'd probably be against segregation.

Things I Learned from the Internet, Part 103.5

I know that this has been blowing up all over the internets yesterday, but I really gotta say, every now and then the internet does something that's not related to porn, cute animals or consumerism that I really love. This is one of those things.

I've been a little anti-love and relationships for a bit recently just because, living in San Francisco makes me realize that dating is not really my scene. It's so fleeting-- and frankly, I'm just not interested even though all my friends are pressuring me to be. But, then I come across one of those videos that make me feel like, "Yeah. Love it. This is awesome. I'm back into it. Full circle."

So moral of the story, if you want to be depressed by stories about chemical warfare, a crap economy, political turmoil, porn, drugs and how nothing is really working right, turn to the internet. If you want a one in a million chance of seeing something that (if nothing else slightly) restores your faith, turn to the internet.

I also haven't really used Vine, but one of my co-workers turned me onto the video below, which made me giggle.

Because Everyone Needs More Rube Goldberg in Their Lives

Time for a little bit of a break since it's a Friday. There's more to life out there than just cranking out work and doing things that make you money. How about doing things that don't necessarily give you monetary gains but provide happiness instead? Wouldn't it be great if you could do both? I don't think it's possible to find another company that embodies this motto better than Synn Labs, recently featured in Fast Company.

Known for creating great contraptions that fascinate the mind (Cue "OOOoOoo" and "Aaahh..." noises), they've worked with everyone from Google, Disney, Sears and the band OK Go (See clip above for their music video "This Too Shall Pass"). They describe themselves as "A drinking club with an art problem", but I think my favorite quote in the magazine comes from cofounder and designer Doug Campbell, who said, "We've shot flame balls in the air, trained hamsters, played with Slinkys, and built rockets. That's a week at the office."

The magazine notes that the flame balls were strictly for their own amusement.

Happy Friday!

Growing Old and Laughing All the Way

Michael Pritchard once said, "You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing." W.H. Auden once said, "Among those who I like and admire, I can find no common denominator, among those I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." 

In an attempt to find some humor in the ridiculousness that I call my life, I have added an extra page where I will share my random thoughts, funny musings, etc. I think George Carlin put it best when he described his (awesome) book- these are my brain droppings. (It's also the link in the upper right there, "Laughter Is the Best Medicine".) I will be referencing this page as I add things, but just wanted to let you all out there know (if there is anyone out there actually reading my crazy rants) that it exists and will be updated very soon. Enjoy!