If Kanye Wasn't Kanye...

I do a lot of my thinking in the shower. It's usually about really important things like, if celebrities weren't celebrities, what type of occupation would they have based on what I know from their songs?

Kanye West might be a trainer at a gym. Here's how I think it sets itself up:

Work is the worst, Mark thought as he threw his gym bag into the bag of his car. The sun beat down on him aggressively, reminding him that the summer sunshine, although brutal now, was soon going to be replaced with colder fall breezes and, soon after that, snow. He drove slowly to the Equinox-- relishing the last moments of quiet before he was shoved into a weight room filled with yelling trainers and overly machismo-ed up men-- all vying for that one spot near the mirror in the weight room where they could watch themselves work out without actually looking like they were watching themselves work out. Mark? He just wanted something to do for the day so that he could say he was being a healthy person-- and then go home and grab a beer. The gym had gotten weirder anyways, offering new classes he had never heard of before like SoulCycle and Bikram Hot PiYo...what the hell was that any way? He pushed open the door and walked in....

Work it, make it, do it,
Makes us harder, better, faster, stronger!

[played in background, continuously:]
Work it harder, make it better,
do it faster, makes us stronger,
more than ever, never over,
Our work is never over.

[Chorus:]
Now that don't kill me
Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
'cause I can't wait much longer
I know I got to be right now
'cause I can't get much wronger
Man I've been waitin' all night now
That's how long I've been on you

I need you right now
I need you right now

He sat down on the weight bench next to a trainer taking his break, taking his break that is while simultaneously continuing to lift weights while watching himself in the mirror unabashedly. Mark was okay with quietly working out-- no conversation was needed in a gym among men, right? Then the guy next to him turned to him and said...

Let's get lost tonight
You could be my black Kate Moss tonight

Mark stepped back. This guy was nuts. "What?"

Play secretary, I'm the boss tonight
And you don't give a fuck what they all say right?
Awesome, the Christian and Christian Dior
Damn, they don't make 'em like this anymore
I ask 'cause I'm not sure
Do anybody make real shit anymore?
Bow in the presence of greatness
'cause right now thou has forsaken us
You should be honored by my lateness
That I would even show up to this fake shit

Mark stood up "Get the hell away from me man. You're nuts. I'm going to call security."

So go ahead go nuts go ape shit
Especially in my pastel on my bape shit
Act like you can't tell who made this
New gospel homey, take six, and take this, haters


Now that don't kill me
Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
'cause I can't wait much longer
I know I got to be right now
'cause I can't get much wronger
Man I've been waitin' all night now
That's how long I've been on you

I need you right now
I need you right now

Me likey

I don't know if you got a man or not,
If you made plans or not

Mark began to see where this was going."Listen man, I respect your lifestyle...but..."

God put me in the plans or not

Oh, was a he a religious nut?

I'm trippin' this drink got me sayin' a lot
But I know that God put you in front of me

A drunk?

So how the hell could you front on me?
There's a thousand you's, there's only one of me
I'm trippin', I'm caught up in the moment right?

"Do you need me to get someone, man? Maybe call a friend for you?" Mark began nervously looking around-- could he get to the door in time if this guy really lost it? Didn't anyone else notice this guy on a tirade? The musclemen around him kept huffing and puffing-- eyes fixated on that point beyond the mirror but still on their reflection.

This is Louis Vuitton Don night
So we gonna do everything that Kan like
Heard they'd do anything for a Klondike
Well I'd do anything for a blonde-dike

Transgender? Mark began lifting weights again, trying to ignore what was happening next to him. Maybe this was like the people at the kiosks in malls-- if you just didn't make eye contact...

And she'll do anything for the limelight
And we'll do anything when the time's right
Ugh, baby, you're makin' it (harder, better, faster, stronger)

The guy leaned in closer...



Now that don't kill me
Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
'cause I can't wait much longer
I know I got to be right now
'cause I can't get much wronger
Man I've been waitin' all night now
That's how long I've been on you

I need you right now
I need you right now

You know how long I've been on you?
Since Prince was on Apollonia
Since OJ had Isotoners
Don't act like I never told you [x6]
Baby, you're making it (harder, better, faster, stronger)

"Just leave me alone okay man?"

Now that don't kill me
Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
'cause I can't wait much longer

"Do you wanna use these or something?" Mark offered the weights up like a peace offering. No recognition happened. 

I know I got to be right now
'cause I can't get much wronger
Man I've been waitin' all night now
That's how long I've been on you

I need you right now [x4]

"That's it, I'm leaving."

You know how long I've been on you?
Since Prince was on Apollonia
Since OJ had Isotoners
Don't act like I never told you
Never told you [x4]

Mark got up and put the weights back on the holder. "You need help man!" He yelled as he swiveled around. The trainer in the hoodie was finally silent. As Mark walked away he heard him say, "All of the lights...."


So yup. Kanye West. If not Kanye West, a crazy, 'roided up trainer. Songs don't lie people. This is what I think about and the number one reason why I should have not children.