Don't Be A Jerk.

I've been crazy contemplative recently. I'm sure part of it is just the normal "this is what you do in your life when you're on the path of making big decisions every day such as where you're going to work and where you're going to live after you graduate from the most expensive educational experience of your life" (breath), but I'm sure that also a lot of this is, as we've discussed before, my neuroses.

I confess, recently, I've felt down about myself. I reflect on the life I've lived so far, and although I know that there are only more good days before me, I also know that there will be bad ones. My logic then, is, how can I make these bad days better? How can I change those things that are in my power to change (So no, I can't make myself a millionaire...unfortunately. I mean unless I take up turning tricks or something, and then I better be REALLY GOOD at turning tricks if that's my plan to make me a millionaire, so really, this is not a viable business plan for someone that--not even a millionaire-- wants to be somewhat wealthy. But I digress.) so that I can at least, if not make things better for myself, make things better for other people so that when those bad times come, I've prepared at least a little bit?

For example, my mom is getting older and she and my sister are all I really have family-wise in this world. Parents getting older inevitably will be hard, so what can I do now so that when those bad times come, it's easier on me, but also easier on my mom? My sister? I reflect on these things and always worry that I'm lacking-- that maybe I'm not smart enough, or not strong enough, or not calm enough, or that my Cheeto addiction might really cause cancer or that maybe I should stop drinking so much on the weekends (I justify this one away though by basically telling myself that a.) I'm in b-school and that is my duty in order to uphold tradition and b.) It's been a long, hard week-- you deserve a break! which is what I'm sure what all somewhat binge-drinkers my age say.) or that maybe I should get back to working at animal shelters because I'm a shmuck that has apparently stopped giving a crap about animals.

Regardless, I've been trying to find things that can make me better, and when I read this article by George Saunders (author extraordinaire-- it's okay if you need to look that up, I did too) it really kicked me in the gut. His advice is simple. Don't be a jerk. Exercise kindness whenever possible. And in its simplicity, it has some pretty complex, networked implications.

Because, why am I down? Maybe it's because I hear my ex talk about the dates he's going on, when he's actively been not trying to stay in contact with me. That's hard. He had been my best friend for 6 years. In a year more, I may never see him again. It's like I'm being erased as quickly as possible. Maybe it's because work has been so busy lately that I feel like I've been neglecting my friends a bit in order to selfishly get in (probably) way more sleep than I need. That's not cool of me. Or that in order to try to balance, I've been trying to go out a lot more on weekends, which is the only time that my family can see me, so now they really only see me when they make me dinner or help me do my laundry because I'm a sleepy monster. Or maybe it's the off-handed remarks I hear at b-school mixers, "Well you can't seriously think that your internship is important..." or "But you're not going to make any money doing what you do! You'll never be able to live in the Bay Area!".  (That's just plain depressing.) Maybe I'm already nervous about the coming year--- so many plans!! Where I'll have to make the most of it before I move away and staying in touch becomes much harder.

Regardless, George Saunders eloquently makes a case that gives me hope. I can't change what others do or say to me or how I react, but I can focus on being kind. Because everyone else is probably going through the same thing.