We've all heard them- they're somewhat snide remarks that are given as compliments. Sometimes they're given truly with a good intention, and sometimes they are given as snarky comments. Some of my favorite examples are "I love that dress! My grandmother had one just like it.", "You are such a hard worker! You look really tired." and, the most common, "I love that suggestion. Let's see if anyone has any feedback to make it better.." These are all hilariously funny, but I recently came across some cultural divides that made me think more about how the words that people say are often very different from what people mean.
So my mom just visited me in Chicago for a few days- she does this once a year or so to see how I'm doing and generally take a mini-vacation in Chicago. This time was a little bit different because she brought my aunt, Alice, and my aunt's friend, Helen. Alice and Helen are both from Hong Kong and have lived there their whole lives. Even though my aunt has visited the U.S. countless times during my childhood, my mini family reunion reminded me how different the U.S. and Chinese culture still are. Particularly from my perspective- someone who straddled both cultures my whole life- this difference sometimes makes everything a little bit awkward at times, but mostly pretty funny.
For example, my mom, who tries to remember my friends, referred to my vegetarian friend as "someone who is allergic to meat". And for her, there's also different expectations I think about what's appropriate to say- for example, telling me my male friend was always "feminine" (she didn't mean it in a "maybe he's gay" insinuation- she meant that he was sensitive, but used the word "feminine" instead), or explaining to my aunts that my friend was a "slow person" (she meant show person).
All of this got me thinking though. Sometimes, compliments really aren't compliments- and I began to think about the ways that I have been described. My friends that really know me tell me that I'm intimidating at first, but I'm too nice for my own good. (I blame this on Chinese guilt- I always feel guilty if I disappoint people, so I'm always the first person to say yes, or volunteer for things, etc.) People who know me only through work describe me as a "strong" woman, or "confident"- I can't help but wonder if these things are really just code "She's kind of a b!tch.".
Thinking like this has made me kind of crazy, trying to remember all the ways that people have described me. And it also made me begin to wonder how that has affected who I am- Do I become how people describe me? (See need to please, above.) Or do I actively try to show that other half of me in my personal life with my friends, because I know that my work personality is something completely different?
More interestingly, how do my co-workers mean it when they say those things to me? My friend once told me that being confident and strong is what you have to be in the consulting industry, because its a field largely ruled my A-Types, and mostly men. Being seen as strong means I'll be able to work with them and not be a push-over. Basically, it's better to be a b!tch than to be taken advantage of, but I'm not so sure those are the only two choices. But what does this mean? Obviously, when that friend calls me a "strong" person, she means it in a positive way. But someone else who uses the exact same adjective might not- and that could be indicative of the type of person they are or the type of relationship we have.
Overall, I don't see my work personality as anything that drastically different from my personal life, but from now on, when people "compliment" me, I think I'm going to be a little more paranoid-"when is a compliment not a compliment?"- because although it doesn't matter in the long run, it could offer a laugh.
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